How to Cope by Dr Claire Hayes

Author:Dr Claire Hayes [Hayes, Dr Claire]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gill ∧ Macmillan

Fig. 8.2: Step 2 of Mike’s Coping Triangle in response to coming for help

Both Stacey and Mike were willing for me to continue with the other two steps of the Coping Triangle. When I asked Stacey if her feelings made sense she immediately said, ‘No, they don’t, because I shouldn’t be so negative.’ She nodded as I suggested that she had now slipped into judging herself harshly, and Mike said, ‘You do that a lot, Stacey.’ Her look of surprise to him was a moment when something seemed to shift between them. They were now acknowledging what was going on for each other and communicating differently. Mike agreed that his feelings made sense but said he was tired of feeling that way. His level of frustration seemed high as he said, ‘Stacey, you don’t ever talk about anything else any more. All you say is that things need to change and that we need to talk to the right person for things to change. There’s no right person. We need to change.’

Remember that at this point I still have no idea what changes they’re talking about; but it’s clear that something different is happening between them. I talk to them both about feelings being like lava in volcanoes and how if we don’t acknowledge them they can burst out in an explosion, or leak out passive-aggressively, or continue buried, busily causing greater harm.

Again the two of them, who were now clearly working with me, acknowledged the pressure they were both experiencing as well as their surprise that they hadn’t recognised that pressure until now. Stacey explained that she felt under massive pressure to do what her sister said and was worried about how she was going to explain to her that her idea hadn’t worked. She was anticipating her sister’s response that she just hadn’t tried hard enough.

Mike spoke about the pressure of having to pay for something that would ‘sort itself out’ over time. He also described his feeling of embarrassment that Stacey was discussing their private lives with her sister, and his frustration at being unable to make Stacey happy. As this conversation was evolving I was adding to their triangles, as can be seen in fig. 8.3 and fig. 8.4.

Fig. 8.3: Stacey’s amended Coping Triangle following a discussion about what it was like to do step 1

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